“Truth is, the girls hating on this song are in denial. They know this is true, but they can't get over themselves to realize it. This comment is coming from a girl, by the way, and as for you who are too petty to admit it, this song IS about you :) Leave your ex's and one night stands alone. You were just a hit it and quit it. Move on, or get to the kitchen. (bring the hate mail, twats)”
From the YouTube forum for the song “Gentleman”
We continue with an additional examination from the male point of view, again via song lyrics. Now, while the band partially writes with a bit of tongue in cheek (especially because they often have a female co-writer), the song and its lyrics resonate because they hit a recurrent chord: nice guys finish last. Let’s let the lyrics do the talking. All the preambles from the previous post apply and will not be repeated here. From Theory of a Deadman’s 2011 CD “The Truth Is…” comes “Gentleman.” (Btw, one could substitute “bastard,” “asshole,” and a number of others for “loser” in the lyrics and it would fit just as well or maybe even better)
“I'll let the door, hit you right in the face
And when the check comes, I'll make you pay
Don't have a car; guess you're picking me up
And in the backseat, we'll be falling in love
My only job is, to lie on this couch
And while you're workin’, I'll be hanging out
Now don't get mad 'cause, you knew from the start
I was an asshole who would never go far
'Cause when you're really good to girls
Give them your entire world
They end up walking away
They don't want a stand up guy
They'd rather have you cheat and lie
And do something they hate
Girls don't want a gentleman
They say they do but in the end
Girls don't want a gentleman
They want a loser like me
Girls don't want a gentleman
If you want to get to them
Girls don't want a gentleman
They want a loser like me
Your parents cry
When you bring me around
They raised you up
Just so I could take you down
There goes your life
Right before their eyes
I'll have you barefoot, pregnant, going out of your mind
'Cause when you're really good to girls
Give them your entire world
They end up walking away
They don't want a stand up guy
They'd rather have you cheat and lie
And do something they hate
Girls don't want a gentleman
They say they do but in the end
Girls don't want a gentleman
They want a loser like me
Girls don't want a gentleman
If you want to get to them
Girls don't want a gentleman
They want a loser like me
I used to be a nice guy
But that don't get you anywhere
So now I’m just a piece of shit
idiot who’s too stupid to care
When you give a girl respect
Treat her like she is the best
You're nothing to her
She'd rather have you playing games
Piss her off and make her wait
If you want it to work
Girls don't want a gentleman
They say they do but in the end
Girls don't want a gentleman
They want a loser like me
Girls don't want a gentleman
And if you want to get to them
Girls don't want a gentleman
They want a loser like me
They want a loser like me
They want a loser like me
They want a loser like me”
This is not news to males. Fellas nod in confirmation when they see a “hot” girl who is with some “loser.” If one of the fellas does happen to land a relationship with an attractive female, he is in a bit of dilemma. If he treats her the way he wants to treat her, there’s a high chance of things ending (and often badly). If he is selfish, drama-producing, rude, etc. (and so, subsequently, “interesting” and different from all the “usual” guys who tell her she’s beautiful, etc.), she’ll be hooked in all likelihood (at least for a while).
Perhaps this is related to the P&H discussion about illusion and delusion more than I thought. :)
But much of this is also related to certain psychology. With men always interested in attractive females, those females are looking for something “different,” for men with traits that “stand out.” Brazen bad boys do.
There are complex biological and psychological components at work: A female is often subliminally disposed toward a bad boy. Why? Procreation, for one. Rarely consciously formulated, this drive of the biological realm means a bad boy is more attractive at the pheromone level (for ovulating women, particularly). That he often seems charismatic and magnetic to boot only reinforces this. In the woman’s biological subconscious, it is better to procreate with someone who has stronger genes and would be better at rescuing/protecting a female from the outside world. She senses at a sub-level that his genes are best for producing a strong child, and given the enormous investment women make in child-production (let alone rearing) in comparison to the man, she subconsciously wants to give it her best genetic shot. But even where procreation is not a factor, there is often attraction. As relationship specialist Michael Fitzgerald tells us, it’s the “untamed masculinity, independence, and confidence” of bad boys that are attractive. There is also the thrill of a wild and unpredictable adventure rather than the “hum-drum, cookie cutter” experiences of “regular” dating (dinner, movies, etc.). The bad boy is also assertive (lots of guys are passive or shy), and so the female gets the feeling of being strongly pursued rather than timidly asked. And all this attraction is assuming there is not a cycle/history of abuse in play, or self-esteem issues, etc., many of which would only accentuate this attraction. If the father was absent during the female’s childhood, there may be additional intensifying issues (unresolved insecurity, feelings of being unloved by the most important male figure, etc.) as well.
Younger, attractive women tend to exhibit more behavior of being attracted to bad boys, possibly because 1) they don’t hear ticking biological clocks and can engage in more exploratory, temporary behavior, and 2) because their youthful good looks mean they know they could “have most any man I want.” Women also often think they are going to “fix” or “tame” the bad boy (yet even if they could, they probably wouldn’t want him afterwards). Interestingly enough, a large number of women often do not go as far as to marry or attempt to make a long-term commitment to a bad boy (although enough women do, obviously).
As for all you females out there who consider yourselves “average” or “moderately attractive,” men hopefully realize that much of the above may not apply as heavily to you. Use your sanity then to best advantage! :)
I'd add one other perspective, if I may, harkening back to Eldredge. In addition to biological and psychological factors there may be a spiritual one. Something in a woman wants something heroic in a man. She is going to want to know that when the chips are down he is going to be able to defend or rescue her. She's on the lookout for signs of a bit of adventure and courage. Protecting her may mean intimidating others. While from the outside we think he's dangerous, to her that is the very thing that is making her feel safe.
ReplyDeleteAdd to that that sometimes we just plain want the forbidden fruit.
Of course this is completely different from a woman who thinks she deserves to be treated poorly for all the other reasons you allude to.